Well hey there, you insouciant TDC Enjoyer you.
You've made the right click. A good hint is as good as it gets, true?
There are some links below, and a final story about CARS, if you'd care to read that thing.
But first, one question, and it is this:
Are You Prepared?
Three things to consider.
1. When you are at work, would your family know what to do to come together in an emergency? If cell phones no longer work, if traffic is cluster-fucked, and you need to get home and make certain that your little family is safe and sound with you, do you have a plan?
Does everyone in your little clan know where to expect you to show up and save the day? You are their Man, and the word "Hero" is not an honor, it's a designation for you in their eyes. You are, indeed, The Man.
Here is some help for you with this valid concept.
Don't wait for an emergency to find out how to help those who depend upon you.
2. Do you have Insurance? Sure, Home/Rental and Car Insurance and Employment Insurance are essential. But don't forget Life Insurance. Don't be acting a fool. Your family is the thing. Get in touch with someone who can help you explore your options here.
Maybe Hoot can get you in touch with someone?
3. When you have been in a car accident, your seat belt will lock up. It is designed to do this. However, it may become permanently locked, due to the amazing amount of G Forces involved in the sudden stop of a collision.
But if you don't wear your seatbelt, well, you will be out of the vehicle instantly. Yay.
If you have decided to wear your seatbelt, then become involved in a collision, and care to not be trapped in your vehicle after it finally comes to rest, especially if there is a fire involved, you will need a simple way to cut the belt and get the hell out.
Or you can hopefully rely on the kindness of strangers.
But then, you'll need an excuse for not going into work?
Otherwise, you might be all acting like a Zombie?
You might even try to nuke The Hamptons.
Just watch out for your air quality. If you have asthma, hopefully you have a Didgereedoo.
When you catch your breath, Bill Gates wants you to tell us all about the zombies, and also use the new iPhone. 'Cuz he likes you to be his bitch.
You see, you might end up like this dipshit.
_______________________________
CARS 6
There is nothing quite like the sound of impact. If you are not expecting it, that is when it is the loudest, most jarring sound you will ever hear in your car, unless you have a thumping sound system and are playing something like this.
But what about when you are heading into an intersection and can see some jackass racing through a stop sign, and you know that he will be T-Boning you in a moment?
A T-Bone is a very tasty cut of cow, and also may be an interesting sexual position, but in a car accident, it is not so good to be on the receiving end.
This was after I'd returned back to the lovely State of Insanity, (ME.) and had married my grade-school crush. There are many stories about Fuckno, CA in between that time and the story I am about to tell you, and I will share them in the near future, if you wish.
So we were heading north on Stillwater Avenue, about to cross the Hogan Road, just coming back from the Bangor Mall. This was when there were stop signs on Hogan Road's crossing of Stillwater, and we had a blinking yellow light.
That intersection would be much improved thereafter, light-wise, because of what happened next.
I still count my blessings that my young son wasn't in the back seat at that moment. You see, he always liked to stick his head up between my driver's seat and the window, to peer out. In this accident, he would have become mangled against the outside part of the driver's seat, and the car's door frame. He was one to always sit without the chest restraint part, or as he called it, "the strangly neck belt."
This was a shitty old Chevy Monza from the 80's. They cut the gas consumption by chopping the car down on the ass end, and made the engine smaller, but this shit brick still weighed way too much.
In other words, it was a lot of metal, but there was no way to stomp on the gas to get the hell out of the way of an incoming projectile like a big-ass van, or else brake adequately, and then pray to the lawd gawd Jeebus to hepp a brudda out.
I looked both ways as we approached the yellow light, and saw a fool racing through the stop sign on my left. He was shooting out like a bathroom burrito blast after a meal at Taco Hell.
"OH! No! Sheeeeeiii---!"
BANG!
I mean, holy fuck, BANG!
Now when people say that time slows down during a car accident, I don't know what in thee hell they are talking about. There was a sudden, amazing ramrod against my left leg, then the air was instantly cloudy with popcorn glass, and next thing you know, we were sitting in a field, looking at daisies.
That is when time slowed down. I looked down at my left leg, expecting to see bone jutting out of the upper thigh through my jeans.
My lady was screaming.
I turned to her and saw that her left cheek, facing me, was sparkly. It was not pretty. Somehow, the cloud of glass had gotten between my right shoulder and her beautiful face, just before she smacked her left cheek against my shoulder.
And she had glass in her eye.
I had shouted something before impact, and braced, but she had been simply reading the liner notes of one of her new CDs and had no time to close her eyes when the asshole, (whom I prefer to regard as "Mother Fucking Dick Licking Bastard") entered our lives.
She had actually looked up at me to see why I was screaming.
We were instantly placed into the field where the Jiffy Lube now sits, still facing northward, because we were rammed, lifted, and spun around, 360. Asshole had continued on, but because of our impact, ventured into the left-turning lane facing him, to our right, and plowed into those poor folks, head-on.
"Don't rub your eyes!"
I looked into her eyes and saw that there were bits of glass floating in her tears, but her sclerae were still white, thank God. I managed to remove the floaters with a bit of napkin, but across from her, out her window, I saw the asshole walking around his F-350 work van, looking at the damage to it. He wasn't even checking on those he'd hit.
After I picked the glass from her cheek, I wanted to go have a cup of tea and a chat with him.
I couldn't open my door. My seat was curled up against it on the left side, and it was all pushed in to the steering wheel, and my hip. My leg was OK, ( I had a major Charlie Horse, and a bruise that would last a few weeks,) but I was basically uninjured.
"Get me the FUCK out of this piece of shit!" I hollered. "I'm gonna fucking kill that bastard!"
He turned around to us, finally, and all of a sudden looked scared. The police and ambulances were pulling in, and he scrambled to the nearest cop.
I grabbed at the empty window and struggled to get out, but the seatbelt held me in. I cut my hands on those little pieces of popcorn glass still held in place in the frame, but I didn't care.
"You FUCKING ASSHOLE!" I was not going to be restrained.
The EMTs were at our passenger door, and they were evaluating my lady.
I was then restrained.
Motherfucker didn't have a license. He'd lost it due to drunken driving. He wasn't drunk this time, merely stupid. But his work van did, indeed, have insurance.
And that is how we got a new ride. I would never advise this situation to anyone who would like to have a new ride.
My lady did not lose her vision.
I still have an eye out for this thing happening again.
Anyways...
We learned how to move well, after that shit. Damn straight. Power, you see. As in Big Engines. Might help a person get out of the way of a dumbass.
Do you move well?
Things look a little clearer after that kind of stuff, wouldn't you agree?
Well, The CARS stories are done, but we will be revisiting Fuckno, CA.
Next week. Boy, do I have some more true tales to tell you.
Now watch out for Richie's TOO questions this coming week.
Mistah Bossman has got some new thing up his sleeve.
God Help You.
God Help Us All.
---willies out.
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